


Some Assembly Required

by ThreeHats



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 02:09:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6834760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get from aisle 12 to aisle 5, his force senses apparently dulled by the intense dark energies emitting from the heart of this IKEA branch. Ren had long suspected that the creators of IKEA had had some dealings with the Sith of old. How else would you explain their ominous, labyrinthine designs for their buildings? Or how nobody could enter an IKEA without leaving it in a really shitty mood? Ren was stronger than most, however, and he was not about to allow some subpar shopping experience upset him.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Assembly Required

**Characters:** Loki, Kylo Ren  
 **Location:** IKEA  
 **Scenario:** Bungee Jumping

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

 

"Look how old you've become."

Kylo Ren stood imposingly in the aisle of the IKEA furniture store, his humungous belt a thick leather loop about his midsection as his ridged helmet bore down upon the hapless employee who had offered to show him where the coffee tables were.

"Uh," said the man whose nametag identified him as Bob, "I'm thirty eight."

"Your eyes betray you," Ren's sinister modulated voice came at the IKEA worker once more, like a cross between Daft Punk and Marvin the Paranoid Android. "You have seen much. Much more than you would have me know. But you must of course realize that nothing remains hidden from the First Order for very long."

Bob fidgeted as Ren's helmed brow came forward, head tilting with interest, as though with but a glance Ren could see into his thoughts and his desires. His fears. "So as I was saying, aisle 5 is just past where the kitchen furniture section-"

"Do you think I cannot navigate this primitive facility without your assistance?" Kylo Ren scoffed, waving a gloved hand. "I'll have you know I'm very good at finding, and taking, whatever I want."

"Unless it's a map to find Luke Skywalker," Hux quipped from the pet furniture area as he perused their cat towers. He owned a particularly picky feline he had dubbed Millicent. Ren visibly clenched his entire muscular system as he recalled small vestiges of cat poop in his helmet one morning. That was not a good day for the First Order. "Then he's up Naboo's planet core without a bongo."

Kylo Ren chose to ignore Hux's commentary. "I will locate the furniture I require. And then," he spoke this next part over his gaunt shoulder to Hux, "I will show you the power of feng shui."

Kylo Ren strode past Bob, ignoring his pleas to fill out a questionairre at one of their handy computer terminals to let the company know how good his service was today. Instead, he chose to redouble his efforts and find a cheap replacement for his table.

"It wouldn't be a problem if Supreme Leader Snoke put more emphasis on the First Order's furniture budget," Ren's voice erupted through the relative quiet of the IKEA outlet. "But no. Instead I have to make do with shoddy worksmanship. Every time I lose my temper, I whip out my lightsaber for one second, and bam. Furniture is no more. It's not my fault they don't build it to last."

Kylo Ren spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get from aisle 12 to aisle 5, his force senses apparently dulled by the intense dark energies emitting from the heart of this IKEA branch. Ren had long suspected that the creators of IKEA had had some dealings with the Sith of old. How else would you explain their ominous, labyrinthine designs for their buildings? Or how nobody could enter an IKEA without leaving it in a really shitty mood? Ren was stronger than most, however, and he was not about to allow some subpar shopping experience upset him.

Five minutes later, he came to yet another turn that threatened to lead to the IKEA's completely superfluous restaurant and children's play area. He roared and unleashed his saber, swearing that he was going to find Bob and divide him into a hundred tiny pieces that could only be reassembled with some enclosed instructions, when he was distracted by a loud prattling voice with a harsh British accent.

"I said get off me, you vile vermin! I shall set upon you like the ice cold hands of death!" Loki screamed from inside the play area, where he had apparently been trying out the new bungee jump set that had been built especially for the big kids. Upon jumping, he had soon regretted wearing his entire ensemble, helmet included, while testing the tenacity of the bungee cord out. As such, his unnecessarily long twin horns had stabbed into the ground and caused him to become stuck. Children were surrounding him and poking at him with various toys and other kid related paraphenalia. "Unhand my staff! You wouldn't know how to use it!"

"Look how stupid you've become," Kylo Ren observed from the doorway, shaking his behelmeted head at the arrogant god of trickery. He and Loki had car pooled over to the IKEA. Ren had been in need of a new table, and Loki just wanted to cause mayhem, and where better to do so than here? "Here, let me help you down."

Ren raised his saber aloft and swung it down, separating the bungee cord from Loki's feet, causing the god to fall into a heap. With a snarl, Loki arose and shot various threatening looks at the kids surrounding him. "Kneel!"

One of the children raised his hand. Loki and Kylo Ren looked askance at him. "Yes, what is it, small human creature?" asked Loki.

"I'm Neil!" the boy announced.

"Did you have any luck finding your coffee table then?" Loki turned to Ren after he had finished bludgeoning the child with his sceptre.

"No," Ren admitted, his shoulders slouching despondently. "But perhaps I have a better idea."

Later on Kylo Ren's star destroyer the Finalizer, Ren sat back with a mug of warm coffee pressed to the area of his helmet where his mouth would be, caffeinated beverage pouring down his front as he attempted to drink through the mask to little succees. He looked down at his newly acquired table - which was Loki hunched over on all fours - and crossed his boots upon it, making himself comfortable.

"I swear, I have never known such degradation!" Loki cursed. "Even the Chitauri treated me with greater respect!"

"You'd better not get me upset," Kylo Ren warned, his free hand reaching for his lightsaber hilt. "You know what happens to furniture when I get mad."

"I miss my brother," remarked Loki pithily through grated teeth.

Kylo Ren frowned and touched his coffee mug, noting that his drink had lowered to room temperature.

"Look how cold you've become."


End file.
